Usually Jason was up by now.  For close to an hour, I had been back in the house from an early morning start in the barn. Taking advantage of this rare solitude, I sat pondering life over a bowl of cereal and a coffee. I was feeling numb. I knew this day could present a fork in the road- we could continue down the same bumpy road or be sent down the alternate road with a dangerous steep slope.  I sat there closing my eyes for a moment, just wanting to switch off and escape for a moment, but my mind selfishly had other plans. It dragged me to the recent episode of Jason having a rare tonic seizure. Jason and I on the floor, Jason rigid, nothing moving, eyes frozen open, unable to find a pulse I was sure the brain stem had shifted and he had died in my arms. It was the most horrific experience. The ambulance came; he had weak vitals and was rushed to the closest hospital. Before I had come back to my present state of sitting at the kitchen table, I was racing up the stairs, now standing outside his door trying to hear over my rapid breathing some kind of sound…holding my breath, thinking is he alive? Maybe he didn’t sleep well last night….I should let him sleep; we have our appointment for the MRI results this afternoon. Did he have a seizure in the night and his heart stopped. Hand on the door knob; about to burst through his door, I hear some movement. I stick my ear to the door and yes, he is alive, and he is getting up. OMG! how crazy of me to be thinking like I did but that was the reality of it all. Many, many, times I have stood over Jason sleeping on the couch, watching, making sure his rib cage was heaving up and down, just like I used to do to each child when babies sleeping in their crib. I hear Jason coming down the stairs. Of course I have already blasted back downstairs and am sitting at the kitchen table trying to regulate my breath, pretending that I have been having a leisurely laid back morning leafing through store flyers. Jason approaches me and we greet each other with “hello” and a smile. I call him sleepy head and he gets a glass of water to take his pills. I head upstairs to gather some laundry and I hear a big bang. I drop everything and fly down the stairs. It always amazes me how I haven’t fallen as I hold onto the bannister and sort of glide over the edge of the carpeted steps arriving in a flash at the bottom. Jason is at the stove with his back arching, arms flailing, frying pans and a pot crashing to the floor. Pills are everywhere and he is on the move, still in the thrashing stage of the seizure. I try to guide him around the fallen pots and utensils with pills scattered all about. He had obviously had his pill box in his hand when the seizure struck. The box has a week’s worth of pills divided into daily am and pm compartments. Jason takes 4 different types of pills, a total of 14 pills per day. He is wearing his summer sandals that are not ideal footwear at the best of times for Jason and are hazardous in a situation like this. I use all my strength to move his resisting 160 1b body away from danger. Within minutes, the longest four minutes , the extreme physical part of the seizure quietens down. He is now very confused.. wanting to know where all the family members are…doesn’t know if it is am or pm… what is all that on the floor…did I take my pills? I didn’t know if he had taken his pills before the seizure. Looking for clues on the glass of water…any lip marks ,any obvious water level changes, trying to determine if enough water had been drank to swallow his pills. I couldn’t be sure. The only way to be sure was to gather all the various pills off the floor and see what was missing out of the pill box, and go from there. Pills were scattered everywhere. It was a tad exercising for my brain to do the math but his am pills were amongst the ones on the floor. Jason was sure he remembered taking them. I showed Jason my math equation which we kind of chuckled about, he agreed and took his morning pills. And that was the start to Jason’s day. Within a couple of hours we were in the truck heading to the hospital for Jason’s MRI results.