I was searching for Dr.B’s face amongst the flurry of activity and energy on the other side of the doors. Identically dressed humans, blue scrubs, caps, and masks, just various heights giving them an individual identity, all walking with a seemingly urgent purpose. Shock waves ran through my body realising that all of this was to do with Jason. I remembered Dr.B. saying that it was best to book Jason’s surgery after the holidays. The A-team will be all refreshed after Christmas vacation and will be at the top of their game. This recollection brought me some comfort. Jason had the best possible chance for a good outcome.

Jason and I waited on the other side of the doors. My eyes dreading the movement of the clock’s minute hand as it got closer to 8am getting Jason closer to entering the OR. Jason lying quietly, IV monitors calmly beeping, his aura bright, his whole being focused on what was ahead. Holding his hand, reassuring him, telling him that everything will be ok, I prayed myself that it will be so. My mind, fighting to win over the insistent urge to vomit, the body to faint, the tears to burst, was applying everything within my power not to show any signs of worry in my face. Stay light. Keep it together.

I knew from my talks with Dr.B. that anything could happen…a bleed out, a stroke, paralysis, permanent damage to speech, vision. The plan was to sneak into the brain and tease the tumours out without the brain knowing, to find the right path sneaking around without triggering alarms. The acoustic neuroma tumour compressing Jason’s brain stem, pressing on the 7th and 8th cranial nerve, was a formidable adversary and fighting it was always a battle.

People sent messages that they would be praying for Jason…all positive vibes and thoughts coming through the channels to Jason. Jason always liked to hear about that and he was genuinely thankful and he felt the support. Over the past few months Jason had started praying, whether in the house or when we were in the truck. He was praying for nothing to happen to his eye. It would stir my heart watching the way he would put his hands together. Carefully, with deep concentration, Jason would line up his hands in a prayer position placing his thumbs up against his chest. Palms were firmly and evenly pressed together, the fingers together straight up with fingertips perfectly level.

Jason had a very keen interest in spiritual meanings and rituals of different cultures ever since he was little. Jason was particularly intrigued about Ancient Egyptian and Native Indian ways. This was now passing onto Catholic religion.

The doors swung open, ‘We are ready for Jason now’. It was like time had stood still and that moment was all there was. I felt like I had dropped through the floor. It was the lead anesthesiologist that we had spoken with earlier that had now returned for Jason, accompanied this time with a couple of OR nurses. He was really nice and gentle with Jason. He had previously explained to me about Jason’s set up, the intra-arterial line in the wrist artery for continuous blood pressure monitoring during the surgery, and a deep IV line “central line” for more detailed monitoring of the cardiovascular system.  I gave Jason a hug and kiss telling him I would see him soon and the rest of the family are waiting downstairs and we will see him when he wakes up.

The double doors were propped open and Jason gave me a final wave as he was wheeled around the corner. Standing there numb with no desire to move, my eyes through the blur recognized a movement in blue. I sensed a familiar stature coming towards me. It is Jason’s vital team member, the man he is depending on, Dr.B.

I walk up to him and firstly exchange in silent language. I then asked him did he have his run this morning. Yes, he had. That’s good said I. I knew this was difficult-could it be that the next time we meet like this, would be to tell me bad news about Jason. I told him that Jason was in the best hands and whatever happens, risks were there for anything to happen/go wrong, that I knew this,and I was ok and aware. I wanted Dr.B. to go in without any ensuing guilt of responsibility if the unexpected happened. I could see the concern in his eyes but he oozed confidence and he was our man. Acknowledging that yes I was carrying my cell phone, I wished him a successful surgery… the doors began to close. Surgery was scheduled from 8am until 3.30pm. Pacing was about to commence.