House sitting in the land of lakes, rivers and forests-  the midlands of Ireland, I find myself in a magical setting; quickly becoming my favourite place to take my new canine friend for a walk. It is like an enchanted forest that you would read about in a fairy tale. Mushrooms of all sizes, red berries and leaves carpeting the trails winding up and down hills and around moss covered trees with rays of light filtering down through a full canopy of tree tops. Holly trees, hawthorne trees dispersed throughout…absolutely lovely. Babbling brooks appearing out of no where, trickling sound intercepting the hush of the forest. Balancing on a birch branch to cross the stream I fully expected a leprechaun to pop out from behind a tree.

There is an Irish myth that hawthorne trees are the entrance to the fairy world. Traditionally no one cuts the lone hawthorn tree as this is the meeting place of the fairies. It is also believed they bring good luck to the owner and prosperity to the land where it stands. Even today many farmers/land owners  will not cut them down, they will work around it. Roads have even been diverted to avoid cutting one down. I was reading how in 1999 work was interrupted on the main road from Limerick to Galway because a fairy tree stood in its path. The road had to be rerouted and construction was delayed for 10 years.

Spending time in this forest elevated my state of mind. Never anyone else here. I felt very privileged to be here within the workings of this special place. Even the walk here was invigorating with a constant feed of bright green fields. Donkeys, cows, sheep, horses dotted about. My canine friend loved these woods; the freedom off the leash, dashing about, so many smells to check out as we made our way on the trails, at times incredibly steep as we wound down through a mass of gnarled moss covered trees. Safe in the bowels of the forest I began to hear its voice. My heart rose to listen. Feasting my eyes on this wondrous sight around me was so surreal. How is it that I am here? In my life ‘ before ‘ this never would have happened nor could I imagine there was such a place. It lands with a heavy thud in the deepest part of my stomach as to why I am here. This keeps happening. This thud. Like a curve ball; enormous power and velocity behind it. My gut catching it. It knocks your breath away, challenges your balance, your stamina to stay upright. Bile rising upwards. The deep pain of yearning for your child. Ready to surrender to it, feeling beaten, a surge, hard to describe, like a surge of life, rose up through me. A lifting energy. Expansive. Insightful. Revealing the delicate intricacy of the forest. I felt part of every living thing and every living thing was part of me. My vision was enhanced. A single red hawthorne berry appeared so vivid, crystal clear. Blades of grass seemed to pop out. The rest of the forest further away. Sort of like a child’s pop up book. Each individual blade of grass so precise. Each one unique. My senses were sharp. In this heightened state of awareness everything felt like it was supposed to feel, I was supposed to be here, I was in the right place, on the right path. At that moment I felt that everything was ok. I felt peace. The fear of my new life went underground.

A foggy light settled in. Oddly comforting. I felt a connection to this; a familiarity. An overwhelming sense of love and strength swirled in this energy. I felt joy as it filled me. Closing my eyes, relishing the harmony with it all, my mind’s eye saw Jason’s face; very still, angelic, innocent. Trying to reach him, tears gently running down my face, a wind picked up and went over my arms and lightly blew leaves around me. Hardly breathing, I looked around, it appeared that the wind was only swirling around me. I spoke to Jason from deep within my heart and soul. No voice. Remaining calm and still. Then the gentle caressing wind slowly subsided and disappeared. Feeling hope, lighter, changed, trying to ignore the logical chatter from my reasoning brain I slowly navigated my way back up the hill dodging the roots and rocks on this rugged path. An onset of exhaustion with a feeling of pressure in my chest caused me to stop. There was a real pain in my chest wall like someone had pried it apart leaving it jagged and sore, vulnerable with no bandage to protect it. With the cracks exposed, the first light was now able to get in.

This experience was a gift. One of several spiritual experiences I have had while here in Ireland. This land has nourished my soul and supported me while I try to absorb, to endure this horrid pain which is always lying just beneath the surface. My intuition was right to guide me here, out from under the suffocating oppresssion of my home, to give me a space to reinvent my self after losing my identity. A safe space to be with my feelings, to work through them on my own terms rather than the pressure to respond to others’ expectations. With my heart hiding my grief and my smile covering my anguish I am slowly relearning my world.

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